• I will not waste chalk
• I will not skateboard in the halls
• I will not burp in class
• I will not instigate revolution
• I will not draw naked ladies in class
• I did not see Elvis
• I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes"
• Garlic gum is not funny
• They are laughing at me, not with me
• I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom

Season 2

• I will not encourage others to fly
• I will not fake my way through life
• Tar is not a plaything
• I will not Xerox my butt
• It's potato, not potatoe
• I will not trade pants with others
• I am not a 32 year old woman
• I will not do that thing with my tongue
• I will not drive the principal's car
• I will not pledge allegiance to Bart
• I will not sell school property
• I will not cut corners
• I will not get very far with this attitude
• I will not make flatuent noises in class
• I will not belch the National Anthem
• I will not sell land in Florida
• I will not grease the monkey bars
• I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment
• I will not do anything bad ever again
• I will not show off (written in Olde English style font)
• I will not sleep through my education

Season 3

• I am not a dentist
• Spitwads are not free speech
• Nobody likes sunburn slappers
• High explosives and school don't mix
• I will not bribe Principal Skinner
• I will not squeak chalk (Chalk squeaks as he writes)
• I will finish what I sta
• "Bart Bucks" are not legal tender
• I will not fake rabies
• Underwear should be worn on the inside
• The Christmas Pageant does not stink
• I will not torment the emotionally frail
• I will not carve gods
• I will not spank others
• I will not aim for the head
• I will not barf unless I'm sick
• I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty
• I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge
• I will not conduct my own fire drills
• Funny noises are not funny
• I will not spin the turtle
• I will not snap bras
• I will not fake seizures

Season 4

• This punishment is not boring and pointless
• My name is not Dr. Death
• I will not defame New Orleans
• I will not prescribe medication
• I will not bury the new kid
• I will not teach others to fly
• I will not bring sheep to class
• A burp is not an answer
• Teacher is not a leper
• Coffee is not for kids (Each line becomes less and less legible; the last line is a scrawl)
• I will not eat things for money
• I will not yell "She's Dead" during roll call
• The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee
• I will not call the principal "spud head"
• Goldfish don't bounce
• Mud is not one of the 4 food groups
• No one is interested in my underpants
• I will not sell miracle cures
• I will return the seeing-eye dog
• I do not have diplomatic immunity
• I will not charge admission to the bathroom

Season 5

• I will never win an Emmy
• The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy
• All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy
• I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause
• I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers
• My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man
• I will not go near the kindergarten turtle
• I am not delightfully saucy
• Organ transplants are best left to the professionals
• The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with Hail Satan
• I will not celebrate meaningless milestones
• There are plenty of businesses like show business
• I will not re-transmit without the express permission of Major League Baseball
• Five days is not too long to wait for a gun

Season 6

• Beans are neither fruit nor musical
• I will not use abbrev.
• I am not the reincarnation of Sammy Davis Jr.
• I will not send lard through the mail
• I will not dissect things unless instructed
• I will not whittle hall passes out of soap
• Ralph won't "morph" if you squeeze him hard enough
• Adding "just kidding" doesn't make it okay to insult the Principal
• "Bagman" is not a legitimate career choice
• Cursive writing does not mean what I think it does
• Next time it could be me on the scaffolding
• I will not hang donuts on my person
• I will remember to take my medication
• I will not strut around like I own the place
• The Good Humor man can only be pushed so far
• I do not have power of attorney over first graders
• Nerve gas is not a toy
• I will not mock Mrs. Dumbface
• The First Amendment does not cover burping
• This is not a clue...or is it?

Season 7

• I will not complain about the solution when I hear it
• "Bewitched" does not promote Satanism
• No one wants to hear from my armpits
• I am not a lean mean spitting machine
• The boys room is not a water park
• Indian burns are not our cultural heritage
• Wedgies are unhealthy for children and other living things
• I will only do this once a year (referring to clip shows)
• I will stop talking about the twelve inch pianist
• I am not certified to remove asbestos

Season 8

• I did not learn everything I need to know in kindergarten
• I am not my long-lost twin
• The truth is not out there
• I am not licensed to do anything
• I will not hide the teacher's Prozac
• A fire drill does not demand a fire

Season 9

• I no longer want my MTV
• Everyone is tired of that Richard Gere story
• I did not invent Irish dancing
• I will not tease Fatty
• There was no Roman god named "Farticus"
• Rudolph's red nose is not alcohol-related
• Shooting paintballs is not an art form
• Pain is not the cleanser
• Silly String is not a nasal spray
• I was not told to do this
• My butt does not deserve a website
• I will not demand what I'm worth
• I will not mess with the opening credits (This appeared in place of the couch opening; the rest of the family runs into the classroom)
• I am not the new Dalai Lama
• I was not the inspiration for "Kramer"

Season 10

• I will not file frivolous lawsuits
• "butt.butt" is not my E-mail address
• No one cares what my definition of "is" is
• I will not scream for ice cream
• I am not a licensed hairstylist
• "The President did it" is not an excuse
• My mom is not dating Jerry Seinfeld
• Sherri does not "got back"
• I will not do the Dirty Bird
• No one wants to hear about my sciatica
• Hillbillies are people too
• Grammar is not a time of waste
• It does not suck to be you
• I cannot absolve sins
• A trained ape could not teach gym
• Loose teeth don't need my help
• I have neither been there nor done that
• I am so very tired

Season 11

• Fridays are not "pants optional"
• Pork is not a verb
• I am not the last Don
• I did not win the Nobel Fart Prize
• I won't not use no double negatives
• I can't see dead people
• I will not sell my kidney on eBay